The Power of Voice and How We Can Lose It

“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle

After several months of fighting to be heard and rarely getting a response I finally lost my voice – literally. A few weeks ago I came down with a throat infection (laryngitis type), caught a second infection at the end of the first round of anti-biotics, followed by a respiratory-type flu bug, and culminating in bronchitis and a sinus infection. So that translates into having no voice for four weeks now amid the never ending coughing fits. One has to consider that there are metaphorical implications around having a sore and severely impaired voice box when one contemplates the barriers I have attempted to vault this year.

After being mostly bed-bound and housebound for four weeks and feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I decided that regardless of my condition and its limitations, I would have to step up and ‘change my mind’ about what was happening to me. Or perhaps what I was allowing to happen to me. In other words, I think I got sick for a reason. Yes, I’ve had some reasonable challenges this year from battling archaic and subversive government systems, to caregiving 24/7, to struggling with some fairly immense economic challenges. Not least, I’ve had to face the fact that I’ve likely been stewing in my own existential crisis after giving up my career last year to put my precious daughter first – a necessary step and one I don’t regret. Unfortunately, when life changes rapidly in tumultuous ways leading us to a new and foreign way of being, the upheaval can sometimes be a bit much depending on our life situation. In my case, I suspect I had to lose my voice in order to regain it. I spend the first seven months of the year speaking out for my rights and feeling as though I was never being heard. Just when I thought nothing would change as a result of my efforts, things changed for the better…and then I got sick.

The thing is – one cannot make changes like this without being human and going through the various processes that such a transition entails and I am no less human than other regardless of training I realized that I could sit around and bemoan the lack of social support in my life, resent the lack of finances, and even resent the limitations that caregiving for an ill loved one imposes on one’s life; however, all this did was to put me into a kind of apathetic, catatonic state at times and I found that my creativity, my motivation, and drive was severely diminished if almost completely gone. I stopped exercising, after going through numerous excuses such as ‘it’s raining,’ or ‘I’m sick,’ or ‘the dog has an injured paw and shouldn’t be walked,’ … and I found my excuses to ‘not’ do things numerous.

This is, I believe, how many people find themselves on the slippery slope to depression. I managed to catch myself luckily before reaching that depth; however, it is understandable that so many of us don’t realize until it’s too late that we are stuck in a rut and are already severely depressed. Yes, granted some of the challenges that I speak of are life events that can send even the strongest person into a tail spin of dark emotion that leads to mind-numbing depression but my point today is not to speak of oppression but how we cope despite oppressive circumstances.

I realized that I would not be sick if my life was not seriously out of balance. By balance I mean that elements of my life were either missing or that I was over-compensating in other areas resulting in an overload/under-load phenomenon that tipped the scales. For example, although my emotional life is currently relatively full in terms of love, my physical life is lacking due to illness. Mentally I had almost shut down in terms of any professional activities or extracurricular pursuits such as writing or similar creative activities I would normally engage in. Spiritually I was lacking also in that I was not meditating or doing yoga or really focusing on meaning and purpose – elements that I believe crucial to having a balanced and meaningful life. And finally, my economical and occupational sphere was sparse. One cannot move forward when one is so unbalanced, yet we cannot wait around for someone else to come and pick us up either. Ultimately, we need to pick ourselves up and start moving forward however we can and hope that eventually we will gain momentum.

Eckhart Tolle suggests that we:

“Find the “narrow gate that leads to life.” It is called the Now. Narrow your life down to this moment. Your life situation may be full of problems – most life situations are – but find out if you have any problem at this moment. Not tomorrow or in ten minutes, but now. (Tolle, Eckhart.,1999, The Power of Now)

This quote makes perfect sense to me. How often are we thinking about how we can fix something that is ‘wrong,’ or worrying about something that might happen in the future, or thinking (resenting) something or someone who has offended us in the past? Life is just so much easier when we engage in the NOW and contemplate each moment as a gift. By gift I mean practicing the art of gratitude for what is going right, right now. When I do this I am immediately lifted up and find that I then have the strength to continue moving forward gently. Small steps are okay and sometimes it is the only way…

So I have begun walking again, at a speed that is comfortable and a distance that is manageable. The fresh moist air and the feeling of the blood moving around in my body has served so far to lift my spirits and rejuvenate my muscles. I have begun meditating again and now I am writing again. Slowly but surely I feel that momentum is possible and that good health and balance is possible once again.

But best of all I have begun to realize all the life lessons I have learned this year; this year of turning points and new beginnings.

 

WINZ – Corruption at its best

The last couple of weeks have been two of the most frustrating weeks of my life as I battle (the most suitable word I can use in this instance) with one of New Zealand’s biggest government bureaucracies for access to a benefit that should have been rightfully granted to me seven months ago. Perhaps there is a note that comes up flashing red on my file the moment a caseworker logs in my case number: “Warning! Trouble maker” or perhaps just “Assertive, knowledgeable woman fighting for her rights,”; a scary concept for an organization such as Work and Income NZ (WINZ) that continuously undermines the rights of the vulnerable people it is there to serve. Whatever the case, although I now currently have all the pieces of the puzzle together including all required documents and signatures in the right places and the advocacy support of a lawyer, this bureaucracy continues to play games with me, perhaps in the hope that I will back down, or better yet have a breakdown and by default not request their support anymore.  My experience should not surprise anyone really: think of the well documented cases with ACC and the recent debacle illuminated in the information released that describes how managers receive bonuses to get people of their caseloads regardless of physical or mental/emotional readiness.  It would not surprise me if all WINZ case managers receive bonuses for each individual they delete from their caseload, and in fact, I have thought this for years now not only from my personal experience but from witnessing the experiences of others whom I have advocated for as a social worker/counsellor.

I now have a human rights case, I believe, in which I have been denied support for caring for a family member who suffers an illness and needs constant care and attention ultimately preventing me from working. Despite the fact that I left a well-paying job to care for family during an appalling time in life, I have been treated with the most disdainful, suspicious and condescending attitudes that I have ever encountered. I was misinformed several times, albeit a few times from pure ignorance and incompetence but other times – the majority of the time I believe – the misinformation was deliberate thereby causing me to jump through numerous unnecessary hoops for months.

Although at times in my life I have been naïve and have made numerous mistakes, I am not a stupid woman. I am, however, only human and the other day  I lost my temper with one of these case managers who rung to tell me that I had neglected to properly fill in an answer on the Agent form (I had signed for my lawyer to act as my Agent) one particular question that was clearly a voluntary question and that my “Agent,” despite clearly belonging to an organization whereby only letterhead or a business card to identify her was necessary, would be required to bring in two pieces of ID. The process of looking at my re-application of a benefit that should have been granted seven months ago would not begin until this last request was followed through by me. At this point in time I was staring at the Agent form and could see the instructions clearly supporting exactly what had been provided thus far, but the idiotic or deliberately antagonistic (one could argue) case manager argued with me that without her specific requirements there would be no movement in the case without further changes. So after thanking the case manager sarcastically for once again making my life more difficult I dragged my now very tired, angry and demoralized self down to my lawyer’s office to provide the same supporting evidence that had already been provided.

Ironically, due legal process was not followed by Winz seven months ago – although I initially applied for the DPB-CSI (Care of Sick and Infirm) I was refused face to face by the first case manager I had an appointment with. She changed the application online, although legally the case workers are not allowed to do that, and told me it (my application) would never meet requirements because certain aspects of the medical certificate did not fit within the parameters of the granting of the CSI portion of the benefit. Later, I found out what should have happened is that the case manager should have sent my paperwork to an internal health and disability review team for further appraisal but this did not happen.

Months later, after asking questions and getting nowhere, and waiting for call backs from managers who never rung back, I gathered up my mental and emotional reserves and continued to research this unfair conundrum I found myself in.  I found a medical practitioner’s guide book (a WINZ publication) online and other information that outlined that the medical certificate, or aspects within defined by the case manager as ineligible, was not even entirely necessary for eligibility for the CSI if other salient medical information had been provided – and I had provided plenty of medical evidence.  However, in my case it took a second opinion from a specialist who took the time to listen and assess appropriately and whom gladly signed the appropriate forms in support to force this institution to re-assess my case.  I have now provided as much information as I can. Even so, the situation is only partly resolved at this time and still in the hands of my lawyer – no fault of my lawyer’s although I have had to guide her in relation to this corrupt organization as she is young and inexperienced. I have yet to receive any retroactive payments for the last 7 months.

One wonders how people cope who do not have the skills or knowledge that I have due to my background in social services. Even though I have the knowledge it is not always “power” as one may think. In fact, I believe that sometimes knowledge makes things worse because workers resent the fact that a consumer actually knows that their motives and operations are corrupt and go out of their way to blockade any progress for the consumer.  Moreover, for many workers in WINZ, ego gets in the way and workers allow their core values and beliefs to colour the process for the consumer. Unfortunately, those unquestioned (for most) values and beliefs come forth in the form of systemic discrimination formed by common assumptions and stereotypes of those in need; whether those in need are deserving or undeserving. Most consumers, are seen as undeserving in collusion with the status-quo stereo-types in society that label those who cannot for whatever reason work, lazy and unworthy. Therefore, many consumers, if not most, are tarnished with the brush of discrimination without any opportunity to tell their stories.

Recently we’ve had Paula Bennet, ironically an ex-Work and Income NZ beneficiary and now National Member of Parliament, speaking out in favour of drug testing beneficiaries and cutting benefits if consumers do not pass the tests. No money has been set aside for increasing drug and alcohol counselling and residential supports for those suffering addictions. We have the National Party implementing a pharmaceutical long-acting contraception program for solo-mums on benefits and their daughters, and we have the same officials passing legislation to force sickness beneficiaries and solo-mothers back to work before they or their children are ready and without the availability of adequate day care. The long acting contraception plan for solo-mums and their daughters implies that these women are sluts who get pregnant because of their promiscuity, and implies that their daughters are or will be just the same as their mothers. Never mind the intrusion into the bedrooms of these women who are already struggling on so many levels and are possibly one of the most disadvantaged segments of society economically, politically, and socially in New Zealand.

As I’ve battled the institution, so have I battled with myself to keep moving forward in hope, as opposed to stagnating in depression. It would be so easy to give in to the temptation of alcohol or certain substances known to ease stress and adversity even if only for short periods. Although very tempting, to take that route to submit to the subversive nature of the structural discrimination that permeates our society, would be to give in to the hypocrisy that I know exists. The lies that blanket the reality for 99 per cent of society need to be uncovered and it is those who share their stories of injustice and keep fighting for equality of outcomes…it is those voices that will eventually be heard. This is why I write about my experiences; although they are very personal they are also political…my story is no different than countless others in this country.

“Stoned, drunk and under 13…”

I read this article in the national news section of Stuff.co.nz this morning….

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/health/7026881/Stoned-drunk-and-under-13

Horrifying, but not shocking was the immediate thought I had; there is no surprise for me here because our government has repeatedly NOT met the needs of children and young people in this country. As a registered alcohol and drug practitioner I have met the kids of the parents I’ve treated and many of them will take the same route as their parents, NOT necessarily because of bad parenting as many would have us believe, but because government has also NOT met the needs of people struggling with addictions and the underlying (dare I say causal factor) trauma that leads people to cope by using addictive substances and engaging in addictive behaviour.

What kind of future will our country/world have when these vulnerable, already traumatized children become parents, as many of them will….?

Gifted Girl…

Today’s post is about my beautiful daughter and what it means to raise a child who is different. By different I mean unique, sensitive, creative, naturally confident, compassionate, and although I am biased, yes, I think also gifted.

As I’ve said in previous posts I’ve raised her completely on my own – from two months old at which point I was forced to leave her father due to his substance abuse and aggression. Last Friday night my girl won 2^nd place in Taranaki-wide youth competition: “New Plymouth’s Got Talent.” The winner was a well-seasoned singer of 25 years old. My girl has just turned 12. I saw lots of talent at the show but my girl won 2^nd place because she met all the criteria beautifully – she sang with originality (an original song that she wrote from the heart) she sang with “near adult and amazing vocals,” she performed with energy, and she engaged the audience. The response from the judges: “insanely talented” and “please keep on singing.”

Now raising a child who is different (and attempting to raise a child differently) is no easy feat. As a baby and small child she was ill a lot – most likely to gluten intolerance we know now – and we’ve experienced a lot of hardship economically, emotionally, and psychologically, due to a lack of social and emotional support.

As a first time mum and solo parent I was often pathologized by the medical system as “anxious” and “overly protective” and as a consequence we didn’t get the formal medical support we needed. I’m not sure what parent wouldn’t be anxious at their child needing frequent trips to the hospital for over five years: years of cyclic vomiting disorder, GERD, and frequent dehydration requiring IV hydration. I think both my girl and I were traumatized from this experience and of course we were struggling emotionally during this dark time with no support.

Despite these challenging years, as my girl got older her talent for singing began to evolve…so did her creative, bubbly, and amazing energy…However, as she began her school years it became apparent that a child like mine was going to struggle in a “one size fits all school system.” I remember her saying at age five: “I don’t fit mummy,” and although she was/is bright and did well academically she began to struggle emotionally with the school environment, thus switching off mentally from learning. As her sensitivity grew so did a tendency to become anxious at what she saw at school: teachers engaging in various techniques of social control and kids who played out the bullying they saw daily at home. Very quickly I realized that my girl was going to need either a very nurturing teacher who appreciated her abilities and uniquely engaging personality, or she was not going to cope. Her ability to learn became clouded with her anxiety at being forced to attend institutions (and I tried a few different ones in vain) that attempted to make her conform to the mainstream ideals of uniformity, unquestioning, and robotic learning.

For the last few years we have struggled as a family unit with our roles in life at odds with each other – me with the knowledge that my little girl is being worn down a by a society that wants to suck out any creativity and individuality that she has, and she with the knowledge that she has no choice but to be herself. However, she is different from the norm and has struggled with the mixed messages received as she’s moved between home (a safe environment) and school (an environment that she sees as fraught with danger). The danger she perceives and correctly so, is the bullying that comes at the hands of other girls who do not know any better or do not care. Her anxiety is further heightened by her vulnerable status as a child at the hands of impatient and worn-out teachers who behave oppressively towards groups of children they can only try and control, as opposed to teaching and mentoring.  Our experience with schools has consistently shown us that many teachers fit the former category, although we have met one or two who are the exception of the rule.

As a consequence of what one psychologist stated is my over-protective behaviour, I’ve taken a lot of breaks in study and employment to assist my girl in moving forward, often against my intuitive judgment, pushing her eventually back into the very school system that last year almost broke her completely.  As a solo-parent the situation has confounded me: there is little to no support for sole-parents who struggle with sensitive children who do not fit into the mayhem that we call mainstream public education. Taking frequent breaks from work has interrupted the natural progression of my career, and in fact, has now stalled that progress. The obvious consequence is that we live in relative poverty and I struggle daily to reverse the detrimental effects that the school, health and economic systems have perpetuated by contriving to push for my girl to conform to a system that is antithetical to whom she is.

My daughter was six years old when she first began writing songs. Sometimes she would write them down but mostly she would sing to me from what I call pure consciousness/creativity and she would say “Mummy I want to sing you a song” and out it would come. Last year her songs became more coherent and she began to keep song books filled with all her own songs. I can’t count the songs she has written – all beautifully written with “insight beyond her years” as one judge pointed out at the talent competition. I copyright her songs with APRA  (The Australasian Performing Right Association) and it is sometimes difficult to stay up to date with listing her songs because she is a prolific writer producing about two well-written and meaningful songs per week.

Despite her sporadic and disconnected schooling history my girl has maintained an even academic record consistently. Because of the stops and starts in schooling we have seen psychologists, whom all except one, push to have her fit in or conform to mainstream education. Last year after months of extreme bullying, and an oppressive teacher who diminished her natural confidence in every possible way, it became apparent that I would have to remove her entirely from school. For the last six months I have home schooled her and slowly but surely have seen her confidence re-emerge, at least in terms of activities outside of school.

My daughter’s ability to express her feelings and angst through song writing and singing has kept her moving forward in a way that therapy has not. Yet, still the psychologist pushes for her to re-enter mainstream education so we have been attempting gradual entry into a new school. In the four times she has attended for an hour or so she has been threatened with “hidings” and has been taunted for her gradual entry due to anxiety. This most recent experience only serves to discourage her more from regular school. After each visit she’s a mess and questions me repeatedly about why she has to attend school. To this I have no answer currently, but my own question arises from her questioning “Yes, why?”

We know that school doesn’t work for all children, and indeed, these days the rate of children dropping out of school at an early age is high because they’ve fallen through the gaps in public education. Additionally, many parents are voluntarily removing their children from school because of the increasing incidence of bullying (both physical and psychological), and because the quality of education is rapidly decreasing.

As a parent I know that as my daughter gets older I worry more about her safety at school. One hears about the extreme cases of kids attacking kids: these stories reach the media far too often. So I wonder: am I justified in home schooling my child? Or am I being over-protective? Is it wrong to keep my child home, nurture her, teach her what she needs to learn to manage in life, and hopefully heal the damage that has been done by dysfunctional school environments to date? For me, the answer is obvious: my daughter does better overall  (academically, creatively and health-wise) when she is in an environment that allows her to just “be” herself…I will continue to strive to provide her with that environment as long as necessary to give her an opportunity to reach her full potential: something that will not happen if she stays in the mainstream school system. The alternative is to risk violence from other girls (possibly boys as well), exposure to drugs and alcohol, and mental health struggles that could accompany her for the rest of her life.  Despite all the hardship, my girl has become a compassionate and empathic young person…and I choose to nurture that in her until she is old enough to manage herself in the big wide world.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/education/6956102/Danger-in-ignoring-violence-in-girls

http://tvnz.co.nz/national-news/serious-concerns-over-violence-amongst-teen-girls-4088005

My girl’s original version of “Daddy” the song she performed again and won 2nd place for at New Plymouth’s Got Talent last Friday:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnJX0GNBgZo

The end of innocence: When does childhood begin and end for girls?

Lately my twelve year old daughter has begun telling me that she does not want to grow-up and that she hates getting older. Of course, with my background in counselling, I felt obliged to immediately sit her down and question her around this statement, and it turns out that she feels the pressures of becoming older are just too much to handle sometimes. Although she doesn’t currently go to school she has friends that she still sees from her old school and I sat my girl and a friend of hers down and we discussed some of the issues that young girls face these days. Despite the fact girls this age feel pressure from each other to look good, wear make-up, and are becoming fashion conscious, the number one issue that came forth was the unwanted attention that girls get from boys and men regarding their appearance, and ultimately their sexuality. Adolescent girls are vulnerable as they navigate the ever-changing hormonal journey that puberty inflicts upon them. Not just physically vulnerable but emotionally and psychologically vulnerable as well, girls seem to find themselves struggling to comprehend, with little adult support, a world that has adult men staring and sometimes rudely gaping and commenting on their budding physical maturity and impending womanhood.

As I watch the girls in my daughter’s immediate sphere it becomes quickly apparent which ones will be most susceptible to the dangers lurking behind the not so subtle gazes of the boys and men they cross paths with on a daily basis. It is not enough to warn them of those dangers and, in fact it can be detrimental to their emotional and psychological development to illuminate the dark side of male versus female encounters that happen every day all over the world. Yet, some warning and education must be given to these young innocents whose lives are set on the course of womanhood now. The friend who arrives at our house with a low cut top and wears a push bra to accentuate her already well developed breasts at age 11, taking over an hour to choose an outfit to wear to the beach for a walk with the dogs, is the friend that I most worry about. That she is so self and image-conscious at age 11 tells me that she has internalized the negative stereotyping that women face everywhere: that she believes she is not good enough unless she presents a perfectly feminine and sexualized image to the world. She is watchful and does not engage well with adults, yet has access to porn online and frequently goes onto the Omegle site to chat with boys from all over, possibly men too. She has taken her clothes off for boys on this site. I know this because my daughter still tells me everything (or most things anyway). I wonder how damaged this girl is, wonder where she has been to place such importance on boys and image at this age, and I wonder if the damage is irreparable.

When my daughter and this friend came back from the local fish’n’chip shop one evening and described the overt attention the shop owner had given the friend, to be precise, the friend’s breasts/cleavage peeking out of her shirt, I experienced anger and frustration at the fact that now I couldn’t even feel my daughter was safe running to the fish’n’chip shop only a block away. The girls unhappily informed me – my daughter almost disbelieving that a man could behave so badly – that the owner, an Asian man, had pulled out his camera phone and appeared to take a photo of the friend’s cleavage and then in a loud and gleeful voice show his buddy standing next to him behind the counter. The girls couldn’t understand what he was saying in his language but they said that it was obvious that he was talking about the girl and that he didn’t take his eyes off her until she left the shop. The friend reported feeling extremely uncomfortable and exposed, and felt the need to immediately cover up.

Now, I do not believe that girls and women should have to alter their appearance in any way to avoid being victim to the male predators we know are out there. Contrary to the many conservatives squealing time and time again, ‘if only she hadn’t dressed like a slut … he would have left her alone…,” thus placing the blame back squarely on the female for enticing the poor helpless male with her seductive dress, I believe there is absolutely no excuse for a male to behave violently towards a woman regardless of her dress. Rape and sexual assault are violence. So is a leer or a cat-call, or an unwanted photograph of a young girl…

The situation I have described above is not different to the looks I see men (from all walks of life, and all cultures) giving my daughter when we go out. I first noticed this when my daughter was 7 years old…a terribly young age to have to become aware that some men do not always have the best intention towards females. It was at this point in time that I was faced with the fact that I would have to educate her, somehow without making her fear men, in a way that she would know what was appropriate and what was not. Not an easy task considering that a young girl growing up without a father craves positive male attention and my daughter was no exception here.

Rather than focusing on the negatives I tried to teach my daughter to be comfortable with whom she is, with her appearance, with her person, with her emotions. I tried to teach her to recognize a gut feeling or intuition as it arose around certain situations and people. I taught her to reflect on past experiences, both positive and negative to insight in how to manage herself differently if necessary.

On the other side of the coin, while my daughter is aware of the social pressures on women she does not conform at all to any notions of sexualized appearance and is happy to run around in unmatching clothes with thick coloured socks poking out of her sandals…I cringe myself sometimes at her complete disregard for fashion; however, I relish the fact that she is now comfortable in being herself and in being an individual and I see this clearly when I see her around other young girls who are less secure.

My thoughts around the issue of young girls being sexualized so young became even more confounded when I realized that the night my daughter had her 12th birthday party some of the girls had ipods and were watching porn on them during the night, all night in fact. Again my daughter gladly shared this information with me (after the fact of course) and she informed me that the girls told her that for them this is a regular past time. This was news to me and I have considered myself (naively so it would seem!) a fairly ‘onto it’ parent…Digital media really has changed the course of child development so much.

I remember at age 12 I barely knew porn existed and if I did know it was only a whispered mention that a friend had accidentally found a playboy magazine under a spare bed or closet etc. Now as parents it would seem we have monitor our kids’ every move when it comes to technology.

I want my child to develop into a normal healthy woman with a healthy sense of self. Is this so much to ask? If she is constantly exposed to porn, or exposed to the ridiculous expectations of men and boys who watch porn on a regular basis and believe this is how women should be, she will definitely not develop a healthy sense of self. Yet this is the world that our girls our growing up in. The pressure to be that perfect female object is every which way we turn. So my question is how do, we as parents, not only protect our girls from the unrealistic expectations of a pornographically infused society, but help our girls to feel good about themselves despite the pressures they experience on a daily basis? Because I am completely stumped…

The Perils of Sharing

It may be two weeks since I last posted and although I’ve been inspired to write several times I have not had the time or energy to do so. School holidays with a house full of kids of all ages, trips away to see friends, pet emergencies, and drunken boarders are in part to blame.

My home is one of those that is almost always full of kids, despite the fact that I am the mother of one. This is fine with me: what better place to have all the kids that one cares about than right in front of you where you know they are safe, happy, and occupied.

It has taken several days of resting both my body and soul and I have finally found a quiet moment to write in peace. Peace is something that I value greatly and for a solo-mother can be an elusive notion at the best of times. As I have written previously in my posts, this year has been a precarious one in terms of economic stability for me. When one has the threat of “not enough” hanging over one’s head – not enough food, not enough petrol, not enough money to cover all the bills, and certainly not enough to buy luxuries such as clothing and shoes, sometimes even shampoo, conditioner and soap etc. – then one carries a certain amount of stress on one’s shoulders. To alleviate this stress of “not enough” I advertised locally online for a boarder for my spare room, and after weeks of turning down numerous male-only applicants out of fear of having a male in my female-only household, and not wanting to discriminate, I took a chance on a young male who presented with a lovely, laid back manner. We had the usual introductory conversation regarding general household guidelines including the fact that my home is a quiet, drug and party-free household, and I advised him of my previous role in the community as counsellor and manager of a drug and alcohol rehab and requested his discretion around this to preserve my privacy.

The first week proved to be pleasant enough – he settled in and went to work daily for a good 10 hours leaving us to the relative peace and tranquillity that we are accustomed to. After the second week, however, my lovely laid back boarder presented another side to his person – that of party animal. He began bringing home cases of beer and Cody’s (bourbon and cola) and drinking copious of amounts of alcohol before and after going into town In the evenings to gamble with friends and then stumbling in at 3-4am and vomiting in the toilet and sleeping through his 6:30am alarm for work. Thus I found myself looking after another child, waking him up in the morning for work as he would sleep through his alarm, and I had to sit him down and remind him of the house rules. My reminders did not work: soon after, one evening he came back at 8pm with a couple of mates and hoisted a big box of booze on the table central to my living area while I and my girls sat watching a quiet movie and he proceeded to begin partying it up with his mates. After a short while I took him aside and had a quiet word with him, reminding that “my home is my haven” and he took his mates and their booze and then left for the night. By this time I was close to giving him notice but he was truly sorry the next day and went out of his way to make amends. I suppressed my suspicions that this young man was a serial drinker/partier and would only offend again and decided to give him another chance. It needs to be said that my daughter and the other child I had staying with us were by now uncomfortable in his presence and with the fact that he had a key and could come and go. While I felt he was relatively harmless, I shared their discomfort but was also aware that I would not make ends meet this month if I did not have a boarder living with us.

On the morning that I was due to drive up North to support a friend going through mediation my lovely young boarder arrived home at 4am in a horrendously drunken state with a mate and again stacked a box of booze on the table in our main living area and proceeded to settle in. By now I am sure that my neighbours are ready to kill me after the noise he made getting into our house on this occasion and on another occasion, and I am furious myself at this stage. Knowing that I must tread carefully due to the lack of insight in the liquored up lads I came out of my bedroom after soothing my very distressed daughter, and advised the lads they couldn’t drink in our house and reminded them of the early hour and the fact that we were trying to sleep. It took about 20 minutes to get my message through the layers of inebriation but eventually they left and I calmed the girls and tried to get some sleep before my upcoming four hour drive later that day.

I managed to retrieve my boarder’s key and made satisfactory temporary arrangements to protect my house while away,  and ultimately resolved the situation completely within a week in a way that was mutually agreeable to both myself and my boarder. We are now ‘boarderless’ again and also poor again; however, our home is once again a peaceful, safe, and ‘haven-like’ environment. Lesson learned? There will be no more boarders for a while we recover from the shock of a stranger living in our midst. In the meantime I will plant some more winter greens in the garden, preserve the petrol and use the bikes whenever possible, and go back to juggling the bills for a time.

My situation is no different to countless other single mothers in this country. I write about this experience because it needs to be normalized. I don’t mean normalized in the sense that it’s a situation that should be seen as okay…but normalized in the sense that many women are in my situation for multiple reasons out of their control, and yet feel ashamed, isolated and ostracised from society in general because of the relative poverty they face (I say relative because I am aware that in other countries women and children are far worse off than we are in NZ). The media and our social institutions continually perpetuate social misconceptions of women who rely on the DPB (Domestic Purposes Benefit) painting us as lazy women who choose not to work. The following link illustrates the social, economic and health realities of women living on the DPB:

http://www.womenz.org.nz/pol%20alerts/dpb_leaflet.pdf

 

Below is a link of one woman’s story about living on the DPB and studying and how she makes ends meet by escorting: undoubtedly the story of many women in this country, the difference being that this woman had the courage to speak out about her life and the way she meets the challenges that living on the DPB confronts her with:

http://blog.greens.org.nz/2012/02/21/aspirational-beneficiaries-get-shut-down-and-shamed/

 

 

How many $ would I have accrued over the years?

Just a thought. After I read this I made a mental note to sit down and calculate one day soon….all the hours for the unpaid work (raising my child and all the associated tasks that go with that) at even minimum wage for a job that is perhaps the most precious, and the most crucial job a person can do. Why is it so undervalued?

A great read:

http://www.commondreams.org/view/2012/04/13-7